The end of the Weekly World News

I read an article a little while back in Toronto’s National Post about the August 27th final issue of the Weekly World News. It was by a “reporter” to the paper who recounted some of his favorite headlines (among other things) – for those of you not familier with the Weekly World News, the following headlines should give you a flavor of what it’s about:

  • The real reason for global warming was that teenage space aliens were stealing our glaciers for party ice
  • The judicial system was in chaos because a thief stole “the book” that judges throw at them
  • Leftovers from the Last Supper were found in a man’s fridge
  • A man who killed a fly was arrested for “pesticide” (the police officer chided, “That’s why we have a SWAT team”)
  • February sues for more days
  • Hide and seek player found after 34 years
  • New study reveals that a stitch in time only saves eight
  • After 27 futile years, a scientist found a “watched pot that boils”
  • Rumsfeld changes his name to Rumsfeldstiltskin and tells rogue nations “guess my new name or we’ll invade you”
  • Homeland security chief’s house robbed five times in a week
  • And my favorite that I remember seeing in the supermarket – Dying alien nation sends farewell Christmas message to Earth

However, the funniest point in the article was the following story that he related:

I once pitched a story positing that, “the US government had data confirming that the one commonality linking all mass killers, including the Columbine shooters, was that they never masturbated. Rather than issue this report, which would save lives but promote onanism, the government prefers to let occasional slaughters take place.” My editors rejected it on the grounds that it was “too plausible.”

Windows Vista Sucks!

I picked up a new laptop several months back and of course it came preloaded with Windows Vista. Not having heard much about the new OS, I was excited to try it out. After months and months of pain, I am convinced that Vista is NOT ready for general consumption and should not even be considered until Microsoft releases service pack 1 (until then, demand XP!).

Specifically, here is a list of why you should avoid it (at least everything that comes to mind):

  • Vista is dog SLOW – my 4 year old laptop and 6 year old desktop (both running Windows 2000) both run faster (do you have *any* idea how much faster processors have gotten in 6 years???). More specifically:
    • File actions, copy/move/rename are intolerably slow. It takes upwards of 30 seconds to copy a lousy 100 MB, and upwards of 30 minutes to copy 2GB
    • The control panel takes *forever* to just display the damn icons
    • Windows media player takes literally 10-30 seconds before it will play an MP3 (thankfully, it is instant when you play from WinAmp)
  • Networking hell:
    • I can’t connect to wireless networks with Vista that my Win2K box could – I either won’t connect or will connect and get “access local only” where I am technically connected to the network, but I can’t see outside (to the Internet)
    • The built-in wireless network detector just doesn’t work that well. It often doesn’t detect all available networks and doesn’t necessarily refresh when you tell it to.
    • From home, plugging directly into the router I get “local access only.” At least I get full access over the wireless
  • User interface – it’s brighter, it’s shinier and the changes add NO value *whatsoever*. It doesn’t make things easier to use and just serves to confuse/annoy existing users:
    • The way the file pane updates relative to the folder pane is annoying and WAY counterintuitive – the files displayed don’t necessarily correspond to the highlighted folder
    • Periodically, for no apparent reason, a window will take forever to open
    • They’ve changed the meaning of some keyboard shortcuts and removed others. One that bothers me specifically:
      • In explorer of previous version of Windows, [ALT]-[Left Arrow] was “back” and [Backspace] was “up.” Now in Vista, [Backspace] is “back” and there is no keyboard shortcut for “up.”
    • It’s much harder to turn off the folder pane in explorer (if I want a window with *just* icons, I should be able to have it, dammit!)
    • It doesn’t show keyboard shortcuts for the menu until you hit alt – WTF, *this* is an improvement??
    • Aero transparency and previews in thumbnails are cute but sooo not worth the performance hit
    • Endless queries for confirmation, and for dumb things…
      I wanted to rename a lousy file, a simple operation, right?

      • You need to confirm this operation, continue? [yes]
      • (everything freezes) Windows needs your permission to continue, continue? [yes]
      • Access denied, try again? [yes]
      • Access denied, try again? [yes]
      • Access denied, try again? [yes]
      • Access denied, try again? [yes]
      • Access denied, try again? [drop kick computer]
        [punch computer in the nose]
        [Fly to Seattle, punch Bill Gates in the nose]
        sigh… [yes]
      • Access denied, try again?

      Arghhhh!

To be fair, there are some improvements in Vista.

  • Better security I suppose, tho based on my experiences with Win2K, if you run the appropriate countermeasures (anti-virus etc) and are careful (don’t blindly click yes on everything), I never really had a problem.
  • [Windows]-[Tab] is the *only* new feature of value… it is a neat effect and does make the system more usable, but this SO not worth upgrading the whole OS!

Amitabh Bachchan, the man, the myth

I was poking thru a Hindi movie store in Toronto and have come to the conclusion that Amitabh Bachchan has been in every single Bollywood movie made in the last 30 years.

Yes, every single one.

Think about what this means: Bollywood cranks out roughly 800 movies per year – at this rate, Amitabh doesn’t so much film specific movies as he must have multiple cameras on him all the time filming him in a Truman Show/Big Brother-esque fashion.

This brings me to my second point. You ready for this? This is a dirty little secret that Bollywood doesn’t want you to find out. I think that… now listen closely… <whisper>he’s just not that good an actor</whisper>.

I know that this statement may get me killed in certain parts of the world and there are certain people who will never speak to me again, but it must be said. He has no subtlety in his actions, in fact I would say that he is the king of over-acting. Anytime you want to see a ridiculous over-the-top portrayal of anything… Amitabh Bachchan is your man. Look, he has a very sexy voice and is a pretty studly guy, I just wouldn’t cast him in a movie where that whole “realism” thing was demanded.

My own personal hell

I have recently been subjected to my own personal hell… an entire week where the only activity was to watch Bollywood movies.

What we saw:

  • Don [then said in low echoing voice] Don Don Don Don
    As complicated as the first Mission Impossible but it’s 3 hrs long so there is soooo much more time to pack in confusing details and twists. Actually the final twist was pretty cool and made the movie almost worth watching. Low expectations here helped.
  • Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (Don’t Say Goodbye)
    This movie was over 3 hours long. This is equivalent to over 6 half hour TV episodes and if you include commercials it is more like 8 episodes. This *one* movie had enough romantic melodrama as a *full season* of TV.
  • Umrao Jaan, or as I like to call it Ashwaria’s Wretched Miserable Miserable Life
    Sort of a sad, Memoirs of a Geisha. Actually, it’s very reminiscent in tone to The Passion except with a *more* wretched ending.
  • Chini Cam (Amitabh’s Cook Movie)
    Don’t get me started on Amitabh Bachchan, more later.
  • Jurm (Wife killing movie)
    I missed the first 2 hours of this, luckily for me there was like another 5 hours left. This movie hit every single Hindi movie stereotype imaginable… campy, bad acting, overacting, drawn out, long, cheesy dialog, ridiculous action, too much makeup, need to spontaneously break out into song…

What’s in a name?

Here is a news report seen by Hatim while in Australia (of all places):

Fjuckby residents told unfortunate name to stay

Embarassed residents of the hamlet in central Sweden have been told they can not change the spelling of its name, despite years of ridicule. While it is not hard to spot the english sounding expletive in Fjuckby, to the regret of many fed up villagers there, it also contains a Swedish swear word which means roughly the same thing.

All the people of Fjuckby wanted to do was add and ”e” and call the place Fjuckeby instead, but the Institute for Language and Folklore has refused to put a stop to the teasing. It says only 15 of the 50 villagers were so weary of the jokes they wanted to change the name, and that is not enough. Source.

The punch lines that people from across the net have come up with are hilarious…

  • If Fjuckby gets its way it is conceivable that Anusviken, Arslet and Dicken may be next in line for a swift reversal of misfortune. Source.
  • Suddenly the fashion house FCUK doesn’t seem so clever. Source.
  • The journalist wonders what will happen if they succeed: what about the inhabitants of “Bögholmen” (Bugger’s Island), “Brittas Hål” (Britta’s Hole) and “Snålkuk” (Stingy Cock). Can’t they, too, complain that their names provoke “mirth, derision, and ridicule” among strangers, as the eleven upright men of Fjuckby have done? Source.
  • The government office responsible for handling the matter suggests their chances, however, are not so good: town names are rarely changed in Sweden. They did change the name of Krakanger in the 1950s: fair enough, too, as the name translates to mean “vomit regret.” A real “morning after” town. Source.
  • Should “What the Juck?” be the catch phrase for 2007? Source.
  • We don’t think this news will be well received in the Austrian village of Fucking. In 2004, the residents voted defiantly to keep their name, despite carloads of sniggering Brits nicking their roadsigns. Source.

The New Jersey Express

I just took the New Jersey Express from Penn Station in New York City to the Newark Airport (EWR), it was one of the most painful transit experiences I have ever had in the U.S.

pushers in Tokyo subway
There was a monumental herd of people all packed into the waiting area. Everyone was waiting for trains that were all running late. As soon as a train’s platform was posted, there was an immediate stampede to that platform. Invariably there would be some sort of bottleneck – a doorway or stairwell in which a large pack of people would get stuck behind in which a large herd forms. It was only 1 step away from requiring these “pushers” that they have in Japan to make sure everyone gets on.

I have 2 beefs with this situation:

  1. It is totally avoidable – there is no reason for this situation to be so utterly disorganized, give one of the managers a 3 week course in basic operations or find any person with half a brain and they will be able to clean up the flow of people to make sense.
  2. There is no reason for people to behave like animals. The train is there; it’s not going anywhere. There is no reason to push and shove, you won’t get there any faster.

When society does finally break down a la Lord of the Flies, it will start at a place like this.

Japanese people are crazy!

We spent 4 days in Japan on our way to India over the holidays, some thoughts…

  • I was surprised at how many many chunky people (especially girls) I saw walking around. Guess I have an incorrect stereotype of how petite Japanese people are.
  • Speaking of chunky… It’s funny, that considering how much more advanced the Japanese cell phone market is from the US, functionality and capability-wise, the Japanese cell phones seemed positively chunky compared to an average US phone. Americans value size over functionality while the Japanese make the opposite trade-off.
  • It is an amazingly orderly society… some examples come to mind
    • No matter how large the crowd of people that merges onto an escalator, by the time you have traveled 2 steps, people who prefer to stand have all merged to one side allowing an aisle for those who prefer to walk.
    • I find it amazing that the the “busiest intersection in the world” at Shibuya *ever* clears out!
  • At the sightseeing and shopping places, there are no freaking place to sit… no benches or chairs or anything anywhere!!
  • It is amazing that the country is so clean… there is *no* trash anywhere! Ironically, there are no trash cans anywhere either (maybe the occasional recycling bin) – I have no idea where all the trash goes.
  • People wearing facemasks in public is freaky.
  • The Oedo line at Shinjuku is built so deep in the bowels of the earth that you really think that if you go any deeper you will be knocking on Satan’s front door.
  • It is pretty funny that given the tons of vending machines everywhere, I didn’t see a single one that served any food item.
  • The hand air dryers in the bathrooms pump out some serious air power! Your hands dry out in mere seconds, it’s awesome!
  • At every toilet I used, they didn’t have toilet paper but sandpaper. I don’t know what those Japanese butts are made of… this is especially ironic given…
    butt-squirter
  • My opinion on the butt squirter in the toilet evolved over the course of the week…
    • This is just weird
    • I couldn’t figure out how to turn the damn thing off
    • Man this is really strange
    • How do they know how to aim the thing so well?
    • Dude, I could *totally* get used to this!
  • Really, I shouldn’t be surprised, while not as high-tech, the butt squirter concept is common in India as well from the pretty nice to the super ghetto.

2nd dumbest game show on TV

I just saw an episode of another dumb new gameshow, Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

No good can come from this show. Either you get the answer wrong and feel dumb because you couldn’t answer a question that someone (probably) 20+ years younger than you could; or you get it right and realize that feel like an idiot that you are excited about answering a question that a 9 year old could.

Also, there is literally 15 minutes of real content in an hour long show… this would be a great show to watch on a DVR/Tivo type device.