The end of the Weekly World News

I read an article a little while back in Toronto’s National Post about the August 27th final issue of the Weekly World News. It was by a “reporter” to the paper who recounted some of his favorite headlines (among other things) – for those of you not familier with the Weekly World News, the following headlines should give you a flavor of what it’s about:

  • The real reason for global warming was that teenage space aliens were stealing our glaciers for party ice
  • The judicial system was in chaos because a thief stole “the book” that judges throw at them
  • Leftovers from the Last Supper were found in a man’s fridge
  • A man who killed a fly was arrested for “pesticide” (the police officer chided, “That’s why we have a SWAT team”)
  • February sues for more days
  • Hide and seek player found after 34 years
  • New study reveals that a stitch in time only saves eight
  • After 27 futile years, a scientist found a “watched pot that boils”
  • Rumsfeld changes his name to Rumsfeldstiltskin and tells rogue nations “guess my new name or we’ll invade you”
  • Homeland security chief’s house robbed five times in a week
  • And my favorite that I remember seeing in the supermarket – Dying alien nation sends farewell Christmas message to Earth

However, the funniest point in the article was the following story that he related:

I once pitched a story positing that, “the US government had data confirming that the one commonality linking all mass killers, including the Columbine shooters, was that they never masturbated. Rather than issue this report, which would save lives but promote onanism, the government prefers to let occasional slaughters take place.” My editors rejected it on the grounds that it was “too plausible.”

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