Don’t tell me what you want, don’t tell me what you really want, tell me what you really really want. What I really really want? What you really really want.

Ahh, the 90s. How times have changed. Aside from 2 year bookends, we had a Democrat in the White House. The economic trajectory was up and to the right. We didn’t ask, and we didn’t tell. Google wasn’t evil. Apple only made computers. Social media meant going to a movie with friends. Apparently Will Smith made music.

Actually, I listened to a LOT of music in the 90s. I went to college in the 90s and hung out with a group of friends who were also very into music. Our top board games was Encore. The majority of my disposable income was spent on CDs. I *love* the music from that decade.

However, time has passed. I have the benefit of a little objective distance and have spent an extensive amount of time recently listening to the the “90’s on 9” Sirius XM station and have come to a terrible conclusion…

The music from the 90s, was bad.

I mean, it was. Just. Awful.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still love most of it. I have very good associations and can muster great memories. But looking back with an unadulterated eye, even i have to admit that the what I love is objectively terrible. The kids looking back on this decade will cringe.

I mean seriously…

  • That song by House of Pain wasn’t kidding, there was literally screaming in it
  • Many, many throaty black women who could just as easily have been phone sex operators
  • 90s techno, most of which sounds like the theme song to a Japanese kids show (Vengaboys, Aqua, I’m looking at you!)
  • Clowinsh white rappers, Vanilla Ice and that candy guy – Skittles or M&M or something
  • Goddam children, Kris Kross, Brandi or Moesha or something
  • Ace of Base, ’nuff said
  • At least the objectification of women was straighforward and honest, the breast was underrepresented with all the focus being on the Butt or the Thong
  • The name Bell Biv deVoe
  • Yes, for the love of god, I have to let it linger

Ok look, it wasn’t all bad… Micheal Jackson was still alive buut, he was more “crotch grabbing child molester” than “king of pop.” And well at least we were still protected from Justin Timberlake by N-Sync buut on the other hand, we had to listen to N-Sync.

What can I say, you can’t go back.

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