Rick Perry is out, Scott Walker is out and the dynamic from even a month back is so bizarrely different to make round 3 the most interesting round so far in Presidential Apprentice 2015 (you know, it’s like Trump’s TV show, The Apprentice, except for president).

I find it just bonkers that Ben Carson is saying more and more ridiculous things which is causing his numbers to go… up? I mean holy crap, is he actually leading in Iowa?? I wanted to take a closer look at some of his better lines (and by “better” I mean bat-shit crazy) and parse out what he really means.

Let’s start with his contribution to the Oregon school shooting:

I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, Hey, guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.*

• My first reaction to this was that he makes it sound like the people at that school died solely because they lacked initiative, they didn’t want it enough (to live). This of course, makes Carson come off as an idiot or at the very least, an insensitive ass.
• The level of Monday morning quarterbacking here is astounding – it sure is easy to say all the bold actions you would take when there isn’t a gun being pointed at you. Unless we have reason to believe otherwise (previous experience of tackling gunmen, say?), I am calling bullshit here.
• I actually completely agree with this because, you know, I get all my life advice from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.
• His defenders will say that he is not referring to any person in particular but rather is speaking in generalities and that his message is that this is a wake-up call for Americans to get up off their ass and stand up for themselves. Even if you buy all that, his delivery is so bad that the first 3 bullets were what came to mind first and not that. The great communicator, you are not.

On who should be president:

I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that^*

Well Mr. Carson, I wouldn’t advocate putting a bigoted black asshole in charge of this nation so I guess we’re both disqualified.

Related:

Founding Fathers wouldn’t have trusted a Muslim president^*

Seeing as many of the founding fathers owned slaves, I don’t think they would be particularly psyched about you running for president either.

On why being gay is a choice:

Because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight — and when they come out, they’re gay. So, did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question.^*

• Firstly, you can’t just say shit and have it be true. Unless he produces some sort of study corroborating this then it falls in the category of “hey, my friend heard this from that guy.” On that note, you know, my friend heard from that guy that Richard Gere stuck a gerbil up his ass, he must be gay. (my friend is wrong btw)
• This leads me to my next point – really? this is the sound logic to show that gayness is a choice?? The Richard Gere story shows it better than this. This example “proves” that prisons cause gayness much more than gayness is a choice.
• Hmmm, maybe the drinking water in prisons has the Gay Virus, someone alert Brian Williams.
• To waft pedantic, even if we take his story at face value, basic logic teaches us that correlation is not causation.
• And finally… seriously, you’re a damn doctor. Gayness not being a choice hasn’t been in dispute by the medical community for quote some time. Do we believe those kooky doctor guys or you, Mr Brain Surgeon?

Finally, this is my favorite…

You know Obamacare is really I think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. And it is in a way, it is slavery in a way, because it is making all of us subservient to the government, and it was never about health care. It was about control.^*

Soooo…

On one hand you have a regime which lead to a whole people being imprisoned, forcibly taken from their homes and families, forced to work in brutal conditions against their will, being beaten, raped and treated generally less than human.

On the other you have an attempt at increasing the quality, care and adoption of health care coverage in this country.

Yes, this is clearly the same thing.

Now his snipe about “control” I assume is an oblique reference to the individual mandate, the requirement that one has to pay for health insurance or else pay a penalty. Thing is, it’s not like you are being forced to buy something that you wouldn’t have had anyways. Opting out of the health care system is not a realistic lifestyle choice in this country so this just stops the freeloading.

And it’s not like there isn’t precedent for this either – we force people to buy car insurance. My apartment forced me to buy renters insurance. My university forced me to buy a meal plan. How is this any less appalling than being forced to buy health insurance?

For some reason, this whole thing makes me think of the below skit that Dave Chappelle did on his show. I won’t attempt to describe it except for the fact that it is truly one of the funniest, most offensive segments I have ever seen. I am completely uncomfortable watching it, yet I am laughing my ass off. I think that is what really sums up Ben Carson – funny yet completely offensive.